The last couple of weeks have been somewhat interesting to say the least. It all started a couple of weekends ago when for no apparent reason I found myself ditching the normal status quo of doing fuck all, to all of a sudden finding myself driving aimlessly around Muskoka in what turned out to be "what I think" was a themed weekend. Spontaneous is what I would like to call it, however out of control would probably seem more appropriate. After having enough of kids asking for gas money for snowmobiles, the other gender asking for a "cook" every hour on the hour and probably feeling sorry for myself somewhere in there, I headed out into the wild blue yonder one Sunday morning to fill my senses with a fantasy that only I could enjoy. First I hit the bank (no explanation needed here), then I hit the car dealership - yep all of a sudden on this bright Sunday morning I thought I would buy myself a Cadillac SRX, Oh ya, I was gonna have my owwwwnnn pimp wagon. I already owned the pink fuzzy hat so what the hell, I needed a vehicle to match, and what the heck, this day was about me!! I trudged through the snow (in my fat pants) and I owned the world visualizing me driving down the road with the thumpin' bass and music blaring. (Thank God the dealership wasn't open!) I would have made a great gangsta that day. I ended up at WallyMart buying more fat pants (but tight ones - cause they'll look real good on me) and a string bikini (ha, just kidding). Oh ya, all new makeup, new hot lipstick, and self waxing shit (I'll get into that later!) In the music department, pretending I knew what I was looking at, I strutted my stuff looking at all the new discs available - I was hip, I walked out with Justin Timberlake's new album (oh, sorry disc is the proper term) with the song SexyBack! (Are you starting to see a connection here??). I also bought Christina Aguilera's new disc and of course couldn't resist good old Bob Seger and a disco extravaganza. (Actually I put the disco extravaganza back). Down a few isles, I bought all new bedding in a cheesy fake suede and new neck snappin' pillows. Oh, back up.......I also picked up a 16 pack of AA batteries that were on sale and I wasn't passing that up!! May as well jack up the pink pearl while I was at it!!
The next day I purchased a new bedroom suite (for the spare room) and decided to rip my house apart further and redecorate the spare room in an island/coastal/Bahama look. Why? Who the hell knows!! I also proceed in the next couple of days to have a wild party of 1 or should I say 2 (me and a very big bottle of red wine). I have learned that i probably should not be left alone when I do this because I hurt myself. It's really amazing what a bottle of red wine can do to a person. All of a sudden I convinced myself I had become Paula Abdule and could do dance moves far beyond my stretching or dancing ability. But hey, I watched myself in the reflection of the windows and I was good, I was really good - and couldn't understand why I didn't pursue my dancing career further. I had even convinced myself that I could walk into any skating club and become the next big choreographer for their best up and coming skater. Once was out of breath and realized that every neighbour around the lake could see what I was doing, I thought it would be a good time to stop dancing but put some effort into making myself look more beautiful for my new career as a choreographer and dance professional. So I got my new HOME WAXING kit out. Wrong!!!!!! Do not ever do this! They should have very large warnings on the label about doing this - especially after a very large bottle of red wine. Those cat whiskers I had grown on my upper lip and chin were coming off - unfortunately so was all the skin that was under them. I never realized I had so much hair on my upper lip that it camouflage my lip wrinkles. Now, days later, I have a scab on my chin from skin trying to grow back and I have had some sort of reaction that has caused puss filled pimples to line my upper lip. I AM BEAUTIFUL!! NOT!!! I am a mess!!!.....So here I sit, in fat pants, with no pimp wagon, cheesy bed sheets, a scabby chin, puss filled pimples all over my lip, wearing hot lipstick and a pink fuzzy hat.....and a pink pearl that'll go 8.7 seconds on ANY bull named Fu Man Chu!!!!
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