Monday, February 12, 2007
The Power of Infomercials
I can't believe it - I fell for it!!! As I slipped my credit card back into my wallet I said to myself - Oh my God, they got you - you fell for it. Yep, I'm going to be ripped, lean, mean and have the body of a 20 year old Miss America - and its all going to happen in 90 days. Those washboard abs that I have never had in my life, are suddenly going to spring from the fat depths of my mid section and appear fierce and ready to be shown off. My arms will suddenly become strong and defined, my back fat will be non existant and my tits will no longer scream suffocation from the wallows of my armpits. My legs will become trunks of smooth shiny steel, carrying my new found 90 day old body with such grace and stride. What the hell was I thinking. You see, in the last few months I have gone and bought the outfits, I have purchased the dumbells, rubber ball, dvd's out the ying-yang - still with no motivation to get my lazy ass off the couch and actually participate in something that might make me feel better. Nope, I had to go and drop $400 on an "extreme" fitness program that I will probably never be able to do. I am so far outta shape, that this just may kill me - if not kill me - leave me in a state of crumbling chaos in the middle of the floor only to have my dog attempt CPR as a last ditch effort of revival to get him his fat ass dinner. My boyfriend.....well, he would just step over me.....at least I know my dog would put in the effort.
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Well things could be worse you know. Throw some pms induced fits of uncontrolable eating, bitchiness, over indulging in food concoctions that mostly include sugar and fat! Its more than a budda ass curse it is downright frightening to those around you. Just when they think what a nice person you are. Kind words flow from your mouth, gently touching them to let them know you care, small acts of random kindness, then WHAM you disappear and your alter pms ego comes out of know where. You scream LEAVE ME ALONE! I HATE EVERYONE! Just when you get comfortably seated with your snacks, kleenex and the biggest tear jerking movie you find, somewhere down the street someone is flipping the pages of a magazine, the nerve of that asshole, it grates in your mind, you want to slaughter them with the cardboard from your foot long chocolate bar, you want to give them the chinese torture with your red licorice you are grasping in your hand! How dare they do that! BASTARDS. Then the crying begins, not just a tear but Niagara Falls. I'm sooooo fat, my hair is ugly, what are those big long black things growing out of my chin? The self pity begins, you want to call a friend, but you know that you don't really want to talk to anybody! F-off to you all, you all suck! I have eaten so much crap that I want to puke. LOSER. What the hell was I thinking. You fat pig why did you eat so much.Stop crying you f'en whiner. Get dressed you look like a cow in your flannels, you smell take a shower. Okay go to bed tomorrow will be a better day. Wow that was intense and I don't even have pms YET!!
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