If I ONLY had of returned my movies on time......

Ok, the planets must have shifted or played a nasty game of twister when I wasn't looking. Seems since last Friday my "being" took a wrong turn somewhere and has ended up in some land that finds great pleasure in self inflicted torture and bad karma. Looking back, I think it all started when I walked into the chinky store to get movies for a quiet Friday night - obviously I was unaware that as I opened the door I was about to be whisked through some tunnel of darkness for the next few days....or perhaps the chinky just knew that I would be 2 days late returning my movies and realising that his chinese finger nail torture no longer worked on me, he would place some crazy oriental budda-ass spell on me. It worked! My anticipation of a mellow Saturday and spending some quality "me" time getting my hair highlighted and cut seemed so innocent. Then it began....mysteriously and without warning some guy named Tony Horton appeared on my TV and within 7 minutes hypnotized me to hand over $400 for his P90X promise of a new body in 90 days. (Probably the exact amount of late fees I have paid taking my movies back days later.) Like the angel and the devil, I was both shaking my head in disbelief and my lack of common sense yet found great satisfaction in my sudden need for self inflicted torture and buns of steel. My journey continued when I was sitting peacefully in my hairdressers care when all of a sudden I had an uncontrollable urge to have my eyebrows ripped from my face. Something I had NEVER done before. In a matter of seconds I had convinced myself that I was an addict of over-tweasing and in an effort to let them grow in, had all of a sudden grown a uni-brow that needed fixing....NOW. I was desperate! I sprang from the chair - foils bouncing as I made my way to the receptionist to beg the spa to help me. Whisked away to a dark cavern at the top of the stairs, I was on my back in no time with some S&M specialist paddling hot wax on my eyelids. Just then, and without warning RIIIPPPPPPP.....With a blood curdling "Jesus Christ what the hell was that?" scream for help, I sat up instantly and glared at this masochist through burning watering eyes that I was sure had no lids left on them. That was it....I had officially been sent to the chinese torture chamber. As I was drifting in an out of lethargic consciousness, I was sure her eyes began to glow a neon green and heard a deep satanic laugh come from her when all of a sudden she leaned into me and asked "Should I do your upper lip now??" I lept from the table and ran......ran as fast as I could back to the safe care of my hairdresser. I would grow a moustache AND a goatee before attempting that fate. Even Vince (my hairdresser) looked at me with a pained expression and commented " Geez you really go red eh?"
When I finally got a chance to sit and watch my movies I had rented 2 days earlier.....5 minutes before one of the movies was to end, the disc screwed up and I never got to see the ending of my movie.......pissed off, I got up to let the dog out and found my father standing in my driveway with a deep look of concern on his face and telling me to call my mother.......yikes, this couldn't be good. She screamed and yelled at me for not answering my phone, and hung up on me........obviously I had done something horribly wrong staying in my house and minding my own business for the entire day......I realised that I had officially pissed off the gatekeeper to this tunnel of darkness I had been living in for the last 48 hours and her name was Jane. I promptly returned my movies to the chinky who surprisingly greeted me with devilish little grin.......asking me if I enjoyed my weekend.....HA, he had gotten the last laugh. I paid my late fee which I am hoping is simply his fee to release his oriental budda-ass spell from me. Time will tell this weekend if suddenly I become allergic to seafood and swell to the size of an actual budda.....