Will I Ever Grow Balls???

How is it that one person can attract the absolute scum of the earth. I mean people (sorry, Men) that are professionals at taking advantage of, lying, mentally abusing and having a complete lack of respect for women. Not to mention professional alcoholics!! I mean, come on, is there some crazy line up that has my name in flashing lights somewhere in the mythical land of assholes. Do they actually have to fill out a form that says if "You want everything for nothing & can do whatever the fuck you want, plus maim and abuse her" does it actually say "Place an X beside Lisa's name", and move to line number 1?? "We'll place you ASAP!! I must have been a really bad person, animal or something in a previous life to always end up with these idiots. Well FUCK THEM!!
How can I be so rich in the area of friends and so fucked up in the area of men. I have the greatest friends and family in the world......seriously, in the world.....yet I continuously end up with the dregs of the barrel when it comes to men. (accept for my dog!)
I just recently returned from an absolutely fantastic vacation with my friends (2 couples & me) to Los Cabos Mexico. No, I didn't feel like the fifth wheel at all. I loved travelling as the 5th soul. I had this wonderful independance about me. An ability to meet people on my own terms and not worry about a single thing. At the same time, I was travelling with 4 really good friends who always looked after me and never, ever made me feel like I was in the way. It was truly 7 days of pure heaven.
Then I came home......
At 3:00am upon returning home I walked into my house and thought that the wrath of Khan had gone through it. I have never seen so much piss on a toilet seat as I did that morning. Wanna talk about piss?? I was really pissed!!!!!!!!!......and it got better, the prick wouldn't talk to me for 5 days after my return......why???? who the fuck knows!!!!! All I know is that, now I was the asshole for going to Mexico (yes, he was invited, but declined the offer). Somebody slap this bi-polar bastard!!! And to make a long story short.......things are no better.
I am so fed up I can't stand it - and its time I grew some REALLY BIG HAIRY BALLS and threw this son-of-a-bitch, good for nothing free-loader out of my house...........
so at least I can make room for the next one in line.
NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

What Comes Around - Goes Around!!

Yesterday I got my life back!
Without going into too much detail, back in 1999 I ended a relationship and it almost cost me my life. I had spent 5 years with a man that was manipulative, conning, abusive and controlling beyond belief. The biggest problem was that he was turning me into a person almost afraid of my own shadow, pulling me away from friends and whittling me down to a person I no longer knew. My self confidence was gone, my ability to think or make a decision on my own was taken away from me and I spent every day falling deeper and deeper into a pit of self-worthlessness. In 5 years I didn't even realize what this person was doing to me! Then one day by the grace of God I woke up and with all the strength I had left - I told him the relationship was over. What I thought was a 5 year nightmare was nothing compared to what was going to happen next and how it would effect the rest of my life, my being and my soul. I was suppose to die that night! Thanks to a number of very concerned people at my work - they did not allow me to return home that night. That is the only thing that saved my life!! My house became the barracks to a psychopath/sociopath (of which he was later diagnosed by OPP behaviour specialists) with an arsenal of loaded guns and my beautiful german shepherd shot to death point blank and half buried in my front yard. My work had sustained thousands of dollars of damage from him taking my car and driving it through garages tearing down walls looking for me. He later totalled my car further by running it off the road. All the furniture in my house was stacked up in the center with all the windows opens (this was November). His plan was to shoot me in our bed, light the house on fire, lay down beside me and pull the loaded shotgun out that he had hidden under the mattress and kill himself. It was a murder/suicide in the making.

For the next eight years I feared for my life, I learned what criminal court was all about, I learned what the family legal system was all about, I fought for my home, I fought for my safety and I fought every day not to let him continue to control my life in fear. And I did this all the time while he lived in a house right around the corner from me.

I am so happy to say that my struggle is finally ended. My life became normal yesterday for the first time in 13 years.

He died yesterday of a massive heart attack!

I never have to worry again about walking my dog down any road, I never have to look over my shoulder again, I can kayak on any part of the lake and not worry if I am in shotgun range, I don't have to sleep with the heavy end of a pool cue beside my bed, I don't have to worry if someone is lurking in the bushes around the house watching me, I never have to be afraid of being alone in my house or alone anywhere anymore.....and my Dad doesn't have to sleep with a baseball bat under his bed anymore either.

I forgot what freedom felt like. I forgot what it was like to live life - to really LIVE life. I had no idea until yesterday just how much that monkey actually weighed on my back. I STILL had no idea until yesterday what it felt like to be ME again.

Yesterday I got my life back!

Hang him by his nuts by dumb-bells....

A couple of weeks ago I read on the Hamilton Spectator website (cause I just can't NOT know what goes on around my old stompin' grounds) about some low-life, scum sucking, beat the shit out of asshole that tied two dumb-bells to the neck of his german shepherd and left her in the Chippawa creek. Thank goodness a good citizen found her/him and rescued this poor undeserving animal from the grips of hell. WELL THEY CAUGHT THIS SON OF A BITCH!! Give me just 5 minutes in a room with this sick bastard and he would wish that he had dumb-bells tied around his neck and was left to drown. I would make sure he..............need I say more?
I have always been an animal lover - to the endth degree, however - when I had my german shepherd shot by the prick that I lived with and buried in my front yard for me to see - many things changed for me. The fact that one of the many guns loaded with bullets and lined up in my kitchen were meant for me that same evening is something for another blog...... this entry is about my love for german shepherds (and all animals in general).
Since my Mom and Dad have lost their beloved Jag, I have spent many hours on websites looking for german shepherds that need a great home. I am truly horrified at what I have found!!!! Beyond my comprehension, I can't believe there is so many CRUEL people in this world that have absolutely no regard for the life and well being of a dog!! Sick, sick people. I am also amazed at the dedication of some people that strive to protect and look after an animal.
I don't have kids - I will never have kids - but I have my animals - and they are my kids!! Bottom-line!!! If I could, I would be the Angelina Jolie of animals (well maybe not with the looks or the body - or the boyfriend for that fact...) but I would make sure every animal in the world at least had a fair chance. So..........
I have found a place in North Bay that is truly dedicated to the breed of German Shepherds. It is a rescue that has dedicated themselves only to this beautiful breed that I hold so close to my heart. These angelic people take it upon themselves to rescue, rehabilitate, love, medicate, train and teach abused and abandoned german shepherds to show them that there are still good people in the world that they can trust and will give them a loving forever home. This is their website. http://www.shepherdscountryhavenandrescue.com
If I could do what they do - I would, but I would never be able to send the dogs to a new home - I would end up with 100 of them - and totally broke!!! But I would like 5!!!
I guess the long and short of it is that I have found something in my "wonderful world of animals" that I would like to help with. I have always been a great supporter of the OSPCA, and I'm not saying that I'm going to stop that, but, I have committed to seriously help out this german shepherd rescue. And I feel good about it. Perhaps it is therapy for me too.
I recently learnt that in the great "pursuit of happiness" you have to look within yourself first and look after what is true in your own heart first. You can't continually look around corners thinking or hoping that there is always something better or something going to make you happier around the next bend. You can't pursue something that you can't even identify yourself first. Animals and german shepherds in particular are something that I know IS true to my heart. So I find great satisfaction in this.
And since I've taken on this new "pursuit of happiness" way of life and thought, amazingly enough, my blood pressure has dropped 20 points....... (maybe not the day I read about about the asshole that tied the dumb-bells to his german shepherd's neck and left her for dead in a creek) but today they caught that bastard and the dog is doing well - so my blood pressure is fine and even better than normal again.
Looks like I might be taking a drive to North Bay this weekend to meet these wonderful people and see their rescue that I am committing to help. It will be my utmost pleasure to shake hands with this couple and meet their rescue dogs. It will also be a pleasure to hand them a donation that will help them with their new fence, vet bills, food ect.........I feel good....and happy!

There's an F-16 in my pants......

AN OPEN LETTER TO
MR. JAMES THATCHER,
BRAND MANAGER, PROCTER & GAMBLE.- - - -

Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your Always maxi pads for over 20 years, and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach in tight, white shorts. But my favourite feature has to be your revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough to realize how crucial it is that maxi-pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16 in my pants.Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from "the curse"? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my "time of the month" is starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my boyfriend likes to call "an inbred hillbilly with knife skills." Isn't the human body amazing?As brand manager in the feminine-hygiene division, you've no doubt seen quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers' monthly visits from Aunt Flo.

Therefore, you must know about the bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood swings, crying jags, and out-of-control behaviour. You surely realize it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend Karen fought the violent urge to shove her husband's testicles into a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's Anatomy was written by drunken chimps. Crazy! The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that Canada is just crawling with homicidal maniacs in capri pants. Which brings me to the reason for my letter.

Last month, while in the throes of cramping so painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I opened an Always maxi pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing, were these words: "Have a Happy Period."

Are you fucking kidding me?What I mean is, does any part of your tiny middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing happiness - is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything "happy" about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Advil and Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to the local Walmart dressed in camoflauge and a sketchy plan to end your life in a blaze of glory. For the love of God, pull your head out of your ass, man. If you just have to slap a moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say something that's actually pertinent, like "Put Down the Hammer" or "Vehicular Manslaughter Is Wrong"? Or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your accounting department that, effective immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will certainly miss your Flexi-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your brand of condescending bullshit.And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.
Best Wishes,
The Blonde

The Rainbow Bridge....

Eleven and a half years ago when I worked in Hamilton I walked into a low income co-op townhouse community and found a 10 month old purebred german shepherd in a cage in the kitchen that was half his size. He slept with is legs bent sideways and his head and neck twisted to bend within the realms of the cage. It was heartbreaking! The people that owned him: the guy wanted a german shepherd that made a statement of fierce and mean - he worked 12 hour shifts and was never home to look after the dog. The woman had her hands full with 3 young children and didn't like dogs to begin with. They had a cat. The dog lived in the cage in the kitchen.
My Mom and Dad had lost a german shepherd about 2 months earlier. We always had german shepherds and in the past had always got our dogs from reputable breeders. My Mom and Dad were on a trip across Canada at the time but independently and without the other knowing, had always called me to see if I knew of any dog that needed a good home. They were both in denial that they wanted another dog and perhaps refused to admit that to one another. After many anonymous calls from both of them I decided to find a dog for them.
While working for the Hamilton Spectator and reading multiple newspapers a day (afterall, that was my business) I came across this ad. For whatever reason, and this particular ad, I called the people and went to see the dog. It was one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.
I have to tell you that me and my Mom and Dad are extreme animal lovers.
When I arrived at the townhouse and seen this poor german shepherd bent up in this small cage in the kitchen, it was all I could do not to verbally and physically abuse the owners. I was disgusted and had never seen anything so sad in my life. The eyes on this 10 month old german shepherd spoke loud and clear. He was not mean or fierce. He was friendly and simply dealt a bad hand to people who did not deserve him. I immediately asked to have the dog taken out of the cage. I asked to take the dog outside. They told me he had never run on his own. He had never gone down steps. He had never played in an open environment. He had never seen anything outside of a 10X10 area that he was allowed to poop in. I said - LET THE DOG OUT OF THE CAGE!!
I had a frisbee in my car at the time. It took me awhile to get the dog to come down the front steps. He didn't know how to walk down stairs! For 3 hours, I played frisbee with this dog. He was a dream. I knew right away he didn't have a mean bone in his body. He would never be mean and fierce like the shithead owner wanted him to be. After 3 hours, I took the dog back into the house and said I wanted first dibs on the dog. I said I would be back in 2 days to do this all over again and if the dog responded the same way - I would take the dog.
Two days later, I arrived to play frisbee with the dog again. I was not leaving without that dog! Bottom line!! For another 3 hours, I played with this dog in an open environment. I bought the dog on the spot and loaded him into my car. I actually felt like I had rescued an animal. I was even afraid to stop for gas cause I didn't know if this german shepherd would try to bolt from my car. He did no such thing. He swear to this day, he and I had an understanding that he was being saved and going to a place that would give him a much better life.
I loaded him into my car (with my german shepherd) not knowing how 2 german shepherds would get along in the back of a buick for a 2 hour ride. He was fine. (He barfed, cause he'd never been in a car before, but he was fine. So was my old 10 year old shepherd Tye.)
My Mom and Dad had just returned from their trip and had taken the boat out for a ride. When they returned, they found a 10 month old german shepherd with a red bow around his neck and a letter that said he would promise to be the best dog they had ever had! He didn't lie!
For the next 11 years, I watched him run free on a beautiful property in Muskoka. I watched him lunge off a dock everytime someone would jump in. With his stick in his mouth and his legs tucked up he would jump as far as he could. I think he smiled every day! I think I smiled everyday knowing I had saved this beautiful animal. My Mom and Dad smiled everyday because they truly had the best german shepherd they had ever had in their life.
On Thursday March 22nd, 2007 I received a phone call from my Dad. He couldn't even get the words out. I was at work and said I was leaving and would meet them at the vets. I was there from the beginning and I had to be there at the end. I needed Jag to know that I would take him full circle, that even in his difficult journey, we would walk him across his rainbow bridge. My Dad sat on the floor with Jag's head in his lap. We lost a very dear friend that day. My german shepherd Mick lost his best friend that day too - he still wanders Mom and Dad's house looking for him....and so do we.
Today was the first day that I went to Mom & Dads since Jag's passing. I walked in and cried. I didn't like it there. It's just not the same.
I will miss him with all my heart!
Run freely on rainbow bridges my dear friend for you will never be caged again!
Forever in my heart.
Lisa

The Gods Must Be CRAZY....

The last couple of weeks have been somewhat interesting to say the least. It all started a couple of weekends ago when for no apparent reason I found myself ditching the normal status quo of doing fuck all, to all of a sudden finding myself driving aimlessly around Muskoka in what turned out to be "what I think" was a themed weekend. Spontaneous is what I would like to call it, however out of control would probably seem more appropriate. After having enough of kids asking for gas money for snowmobiles, the other gender asking for a "cook" every hour on the hour and probably feeling sorry for myself somewhere in there, I headed out into the wild blue yonder one Sunday morning to fill my senses with a fantasy that only I could enjoy. First I hit the bank (no explanation needed here), then I hit the car dealership - yep all of a sudden on this bright Sunday morning I thought I would buy myself a Cadillac SRX, Oh ya, I was gonna have my owwwwnnn pimp wagon. I already owned the pink fuzzy hat so what the hell, I needed a vehicle to match, and what the heck, this day was about me!! I trudged through the snow (in my fat pants) and I owned the world visualizing me driving down the road with the thumpin' bass and music blaring. (Thank God the dealership wasn't open!) I would have made a great gangsta that day. I ended up at WallyMart buying more fat pants (but tight ones - cause they'll look real good on me) and a string bikini (ha, just kidding). Oh ya, all new makeup, new hot lipstick, and self waxing shit (I'll get into that later!) In the music department, pretending I knew what I was looking at, I strutted my stuff looking at all the new discs available - I was hip, I walked out with Justin Timberlake's new album (oh, sorry disc is the proper term) with the song SexyBack! (Are you starting to see a connection here??). I also bought Christina Aguilera's new disc and of course couldn't resist good old Bob Seger and a disco extravaganza. (Actually I put the disco extravaganza back). Down a few isles, I bought all new bedding in a cheesy fake suede and new neck snappin' pillows. Oh, back up.......I also picked up a 16 pack of AA batteries that were on sale and I wasn't passing that up!! May as well jack up the pink pearl while I was at it!!
The next day I purchased a new bedroom suite (for the spare room) and decided to rip my house apart further and redecorate the spare room in an island/coastal/Bahama look. Why? Who the hell knows!! I also proceed in the next couple of days to have a wild party of 1 or should I say 2 (me and a very big bottle of red wine). I have learned that i probably should not be left alone when I do this because I hurt myself. It's really amazing what a bottle of red wine can do to a person. All of a sudden I convinced myself I had become Paula Abdule and could do dance moves far beyond my stretching or dancing ability. But hey, I watched myself in the reflection of the windows and I was good, I was really good - and couldn't understand why I didn't pursue my dancing career further. I had even convinced myself that I could walk into any skating club and become the next big choreographer for their best up and coming skater. Once was out of breath and realized that every neighbour around the lake could see what I was doing, I thought it would be a good time to stop dancing but put some effort into making myself look more beautiful for my new career as a choreographer and dance professional. So I got my new HOME WAXING kit out. Wrong!!!!!! Do not ever do this! They should have very large warnings on the label about doing this - especially after a very large bottle of red wine. Those cat whiskers I had grown on my upper lip and chin were coming off - unfortunately so was all the skin that was under them. I never realized I had so much hair on my upper lip that it camouflage my lip wrinkles. Now, days later, I have a scab on my chin from skin trying to grow back and I have had some sort of reaction that has caused puss filled pimples to line my upper lip. I AM BEAUTIFUL!! NOT!!! I am a mess!!!.....So here I sit, in fat pants, with no pimp wagon, cheesy bed sheets, a scabby chin, puss filled pimples all over my lip, wearing hot lipstick and a pink fuzzy hat.....and a pink pearl that'll go 8.7 seconds on ANY bull named Fu Man Chu!!!!

Blow out the candles....

When is it appropriate to tell a women she is fat - and at what point does that person throwing that death spear right into her heart decide that it shouldn't hurt her anymore? Never!! That is the answer that all you pea-brained men should figure out - get it?....it never stops hurting. If you want to be a prick and purposely hurt us - just tell us we're fat! It'll work every time!! Do they not understand that a women generally tends to be very hard on herself at the best of times and continually beats herself up inside because of things like wobbly thighs, droopy boobs, swinging arms, rolls of back fat, and the ability to grow whiskers like a cat. Some women ride a roller coaster of hell going from fat to skinny, fat to skinny on a yearly basis. Things are good when skinny arrives cause everything she does protrudes confidence and fun. But when fat arrives its a "run for the hills and bury your head in the sand and hope it goes away" feeling. Its depressing and lonely!
Lets face it, its hard enough to feel sexy when you have to live in track pants. All the beautiful lingerie is now just a figment of your imagination - ain't no way in hell I'm putting that shit on right now - so like everything else including your spirit and your soul, it hangs in your closet and collects dust. So the next time you want me to take off my clothes and get intimate with you, remember one thing - I have never forgot EVERY time you told me I was fat - and just because last night you decided that since it was my birthday to "be nice" and tell me I was "wide" instead of fat - well lets just say you blew out another candle. Happy Birthday to Me!!

How's YOUR addiction doing??

So it seems some people are addicted to this blog........HA, how does it feel not to get your fix. How does it feel to continually check and find that I've written nothing?? How does it feel to not get a simple pleasure when you're expecting it?
How's my addiction doing you ask? Oh I'm doing just fine with MY addiction, can't you tell??
I'm with Spears - FUCK REHAB!!

In the Line of Fire.......

Can you picture Brittney Spears singing She's A Maniac from the movie Flashdance? If there were something I could compare my mental state to right now that encompasses my era, this would be the perfect video/song mix for me to take the staring role in. Although I have not yet shaved my head, I would have no problem beating the shit out of a vehicle with an umbrella in the blink of an eye. (Note to hotties: Park your car next door when visiting Lisa). Battling addiction and the effects of withdrawal is extremely dangerous not only to my health, but everyone else around me (ask Karen). However on the "upside of anger" I will say that I shouldn't be suffering from high blood pressure much longer because my ability to hold in my true feelings and suppress any negative verbal attacks has totally flown the coop. If I've got something to say now - look out, duck, get the hell out of the way and out of the line of fire cause if its directed at you - you have no chance of survival. I will chew you up, spit you out, stomp on your head, pull your penis off and I'll MAKE your mother wear those army boots. I have officially become the nasty, screaming, hair-raising, hell-seeking wicked witch of the north.....and don't bother fucking arguing with me either. Meryl Streep in the Devil Wears Prada - has fuck all on me. (Deep breath, deep breath....where the fuck is my fake cigarette I've been sucking on and my piece of celery - cocksucker!!!)
Addiction is a BITCH with a capital B.......and I am just that.....a BITCH with a capital B!!!
Every little thing aggravates the shit outta me - you can imagine the beating Mike is taking. He didn't last with the non-smoking thing. Probably cause I've got him scared shitless. He's probably afraid to even fall asleep at night - bet he sleeps with one eye open. HA, he knows better than to piss this chick off right now. Strangely enough there IS a side effect associated to withdrawal - it automatically grows the biggest, fatest, heaviest, hairiest, scariest set of balls you'd ever want to see on some maniac bitch from the north. Oh ya, I've grown balls - verbal fire throwing balls. My problem is that they are totally uncontrollable. At any moment in time, and without warning, something sets me off and somebody's getting a face full of hot, scorching balls - and trust me, these are not the kind of balls you want resting on your chin.........

It's All or Nothing.....

My great friends beg of me to "keep it simple". And I try.....I really do try. But something inevitably comes over me somewhere between sim & ple and I have to don my superwoman cape and take off to greater heights conquering my last feat. This "self-proclaimed" superhero phenomenon rears its head unexpectedly and battles relentlessly and constantly with one villain, one worst enemy......HERSELF. Yep that's right, I am my own worst enemy. However I refuse to take all the blame! There has to be some kind of "handicap", "gimme", or just some sort of lei-way due to the fact that I am a product of "Jane". Aaaaaaaah, it scares the hell outta me just to say it. I'm convinced that somewhere at MY beginning of time, some genes must have got screwed up and processed the big "All or Nothing", or "Go Big or Go Home" philosophy into my minuscule little brain. Betcha when I was floating around Jane's belly and she decided to have that beer and smoke I waved my hands in the air, shook my but and screamed, I love this shit. And that's when the beginning of All or Nothing came to fruition........makes sense eh?
So here I am again in another All or Nothing predicament.......a "nothing simple" scenario.......
They say that you should never attempt to lose weight and quit smoking at the same time - let alone throw in the promise to get ripped in 90 days. It's just too damn hard and you set yourself up for failure. Well being the absolute heaviest I've ever been and deciding to quit smoking is a very scary task on its own. I can't put anymore weight on or I am going to be in really big (and I mean BIG) trouble. So what do I do.....I go for the All or Nothing Program. I quit smoking and I go on a strict diet (well as strict as I can get it). I am still working up to the get ripped in 90 days strenuous exercise portion of my All or Nothing Program - but I'm hanging in there. Well I have started doing alot more walking with my dog since his doctor gave me shit too. I'm as miserable as Jane on menopause, I'm as mean as Jane on menopause but I'm determined, I'm as determined as Jane hoping she'd catch us doing something illegal. (How we've ever hid from that one, I have no idea.) It's been 9 days - no smoking, no brownies and I'm now going to add another schedule to my schedule, I'm getting my teeth whitened. I'm hoping the mouth guard comes with a strap that securely fastens behind my head, perhaps even locking my hands into it - kinda like a muzzle/straight jacket all in one deal. It'll be perfect, it'll prevent me from eating, smoking and more importantly, biting anyone that pisses me off on a per minute basis.....

Procrastination at its finest......

Calling all hotties, calling all hotties.....I need your support. My spur of the moment purchase of Tony Horton's P90X is currently sitting in the UPS terminal in Barrie and will be delivered tomorrow. Instead of just sending it back - I am committing myself to doing this. I have read a hundred different blogs about how successful normal people like me have been. People with high blood pressure, back pain and carrying around far to much weight for their size - yep people just like me!! I don't want to live like this. I want to get off this daily rollercoaster ride of guilt and self destruction because I hate the way I am right now. I don't want to be worried about a heart attack at the age of 40.
So I'm calling on you for support. I'm calling on you to push me - to make sure for 1 hour a day I am following this plan. I really want to feel better about myself.
Thanks
P.S. I will be starting the plan on Monday after my seafood fest this weekend - so don't get on my case till then! Talk about procrastination!!

It will be tomorrow in no time....

Well, well, well, here it is once again - VDay. Whoopy shit!! Its simply a recognized man's day. A day that every male in the world is expecting at some point - to get a piece of ass! No wonder I woke up miserable. Seems that over the last few years I have somewhat lessened my need for the almighty fuck on such a regular basis. I am quite happy with my little "10Volt pink pearl" that's quick, right to the point and only appears at my convenience. Yes, did I mention it's always at MY convenience.
I've decided that I really like my space - and I especially like it when nobody is invading it. I cringe at the thought of being expected to "perform" when I would much rather read a book on the couch ALL BY MYSELF. And don't wander over to MY couch and start mauling me because you think I have flashed you some sweet "come fuck me" kinda look - trust me, I haven't!! And why is it that every time I bend over you have this undying need to run your fingers down my crouch.....AHHHHHHH, I hate that!!!! Stop It!! And unless you want to get 2 beds in our room, stay on your own side and QUIT THROWING YOUR LEG OVER ME.....AHHHHHH, I hate that too!! So that is my rant....almost.....you see this is the very first time (ever) that the almighty plumber has taken it upon himself to "make reservations for 2" at Christies Mill for this VDay celebration.......very, very nice gesture and I am certainly surprised and thankful that he did this all on his own - but here I sit all day knowing I'm going to pay, and I am going to pay BIG TIME......so OK in all fairness to his majesty's efforts, I'm going to give in this time and present the "king" with his piece of ass on this special VDay.......but rest assured that small little wonder of a 10V pink pearl with make this VDay quick and painless.......and it will be tomorrow in no time!!!

If I ONLY had of returned my movies on time......

Ok, the planets must have shifted or played a nasty game of twister when I wasn't looking. Seems since last Friday my "being" took a wrong turn somewhere and has ended up in some land that finds great pleasure in self inflicted torture and bad karma. Looking back, I think it all started when I walked into the chinky store to get movies for a quiet Friday night - obviously I was unaware that as I opened the door I was about to be whisked through some tunnel of darkness for the next few days....or perhaps the chinky just knew that I would be 2 days late returning my movies and realising that his chinese finger nail torture no longer worked on me, he would place some crazy oriental budda-ass spell on me. It worked! My anticipation of a mellow Saturday and spending some quality "me" time getting my hair highlighted and cut seemed so innocent. Then it began....mysteriously and without warning some guy named Tony Horton appeared on my TV and within 7 minutes hypnotized me to hand over $400 for his P90X promise of a new body in 90 days. (Probably the exact amount of late fees I have paid taking my movies back days later.) Like the angel and the devil, I was both shaking my head in disbelief and my lack of common sense yet found great satisfaction in my sudden need for self inflicted torture and buns of steel. My journey continued when I was sitting peacefully in my hairdressers care when all of a sudden I had an uncontrollable urge to have my eyebrows ripped from my face. Something I had NEVER done before. In a matter of seconds I had convinced myself that I was an addict of over-tweasing and in an effort to let them grow in, had all of a sudden grown a uni-brow that needed fixing....NOW. I was desperate! I sprang from the chair - foils bouncing as I made my way to the receptionist to beg the spa to help me. Whisked away to a dark cavern at the top of the stairs, I was on my back in no time with some S&M specialist paddling hot wax on my eyelids. Just then, and without warning RIIIPPPPPPP.....With a blood curdling "Jesus Christ what the hell was that?" scream for help, I sat up instantly and glared at this masochist through burning watering eyes that I was sure had no lids left on them. That was it....I had officially been sent to the chinese torture chamber. As I was drifting in an out of lethargic consciousness, I was sure her eyes began to glow a neon green and heard a deep satanic laugh come from her when all of a sudden she leaned into me and asked "Should I do your upper lip now??" I lept from the table and ran......ran as fast as I could back to the safe care of my hairdresser. I would grow a moustache AND a goatee before attempting that fate. Even Vince (my hairdresser) looked at me with a pained expression and commented " Geez you really go red eh?"
When I finally got a chance to sit and watch my movies I had rented 2 days earlier.....5 minutes before one of the movies was to end, the disc screwed up and I never got to see the ending of my movie.......pissed off, I got up to let the dog out and found my father standing in my driveway with a deep look of concern on his face and telling me to call my mother.......yikes, this couldn't be good. She screamed and yelled at me for not answering my phone, and hung up on me........obviously I had done something horribly wrong staying in my house and minding my own business for the entire day......I realised that I had officially pissed off the gatekeeper to this tunnel of darkness I had been living in for the last 48 hours and her name was Jane. I promptly returned my movies to the chinky who surprisingly greeted me with devilish little grin.......asking me if I enjoyed my weekend.....HA, he had gotten the last laugh. I paid my late fee which I am hoping is simply his fee to release his oriental budda-ass spell from me. Time will tell this weekend if suddenly I become allergic to seafood and swell to the size of an actual budda.....

The Power of Infomercials

I can't believe it - I fell for it!!! As I slipped my credit card back into my wallet I said to myself - Oh my God, they got you - you fell for it. Yep, I'm going to be ripped, lean, mean and have the body of a 20 year old Miss America - and its all going to happen in 90 days. Those washboard abs that I have never had in my life, are suddenly going to spring from the fat depths of my mid section and appear fierce and ready to be shown off. My arms will suddenly become strong and defined, my back fat will be non existant and my tits will no longer scream suffocation from the wallows of my armpits. My legs will become trunks of smooth shiny steel, carrying my new found 90 day old body with such grace and stride. What the hell was I thinking. You see, in the last few months I have gone and bought the outfits, I have purchased the dumbells, rubber ball, dvd's out the ying-yang - still with no motivation to get my lazy ass off the couch and actually participate in something that might make me feel better. Nope, I had to go and drop $400 on an "extreme" fitness program that I will probably never be able to do. I am so far outta shape, that this just may kill me - if not kill me - leave me in a state of crumbling chaos in the middle of the floor only to have my dog attempt CPR as a last ditch effort of revival to get him his fat ass dinner. My boyfriend.....well, he would just step over me.....at least I know my dog would put in the effort.